A Parody of Cliched Characters
by iMbEtTiNgOnAlIcE357
Summary: A parody of fan fics with VERY cliche characters. Includes cliches of Edward, Jasper, Emmett, Alice, Rose, and Esme in first chapter. Bella and Carlisle are normal
1. Chapter 1

AN: Hi! This is a parody inspired by citygirl1116's Harry Potter parody called "When FanFiction Character's Attack". It's basically what would happen if Bella stayed normal, and the Cullens all of the sudden got the personalities that SO many authors give them on this site. Enjoy!

It all started with a piece of dirt as the Cullen's were enjoying a nice relaxing afternoon in their living room because they have nothing better to do besides sit around and talk amongst themselves despite the fact that some of them are on three hit lists coughcoughBella.

"GASP! Bella?!" Edward gasped.

"What?! Is the Volturi here? What happened?!" Bella panicked.

"HOW did you get that DIRT on your shoe?"

"Erm… walking?" was her confused response.

"How dare that piece of dirt violate your shoe? It could bring you great harm! Do you have ANY idea how much bacteria lives in a piece of dirt?! MILLIONS! And why were you walking anyway?! How many times do I have to tell you that walking is to dangerous for your fragile being!?" He ranted.

"Edward calm down! It's just dirt." Bella said in an attempt to placate him.

"Dirt?! What dirt? Did it get on my Volvo? Not my poor lovely Sally!" Edward cried.

"Sally?! Who is Sally?" Bella exclaimed angrily.

"My Volvo of course, the most beautiful wondrous thing that has ever ... ehhh driven this earth. Did someone say Volvo? Must check on Sally", Edward said wistfully rushing off while pausing to quickly play a concerto on his other love, the piano.

"BELLA!! I AM SUPER HYPER AND SPASTIC AND APPARENTLY I'M A PIXY. SO NOT ONLY AM I A VAMPIRE BUT THAT TOO! I'M TWO MYTHICAL CREATURES IN ONE", Alice screamed, because apparently in these fanfics Alice ALWAYS screams when she talks to Bella.

"Jeez Alice calm down. What's with you guys today?" Bella asked becoming concerned.

"NOTHINGS WRONG SILLY WONDERFUL BELLA! LET'S GO SHOPPING! GASP DID SOMEONE SAY SHOPPING! SHOPPING SHOPPING SHOPPING! OH AND BY THE WAY BELLA I LOVE YOU"

"Yes Alice, I love you too, but quite frankly you're scaring me."

"GASP you love Alice?! What about me Bella I though we had a connection, something special! Fine don't love me .:_pouts:._ I know! Let's get you high, wasted, arrested and turned into a prostitute all in ONE night! Or we can call the Volturi because I LOVE doing completely idiotic things that puts my family in danger!" Emmett cried running in the room with a bottle of cheese wiz(Because Emmett apparently loves Cheese Wiz .;rolls eyes;.)

"Emmett? What the HELL is going on with you guys today I mean get a grip!" Bella yelled exasperatedly.

"HELL?! Who said Hell! Don't destroy your chances even more! Who am I kidding we're all going to Hell ALL OF US!", Edward yelled running in from his love session with his Sally in the garage.

"Oh. My. God", Bella says feeling slightly faint.

"Edward! You've tracked mud through my spotless living room!" Esme said running into the room with a steaming frying pan that everyone looked suspiciously at.

"I don't care. I'm busy brooding about my suckish life so shut up", Edward said from his emo corner.

"GASP! Edward! How could you?! Now you must all eat my delicious food despite the fact that we're all vampires except for Bella", Esme said, still bright and cheery as per usual.

When they refused she proceeded to literally shove her pancakes down Alice's throat.

"I'm home!" Carlisle said as he walked through the front door. He stood next to a thoroughly freaked out Bella and chuckled as he took in the scene around him.

Emmett was spraying cheese wiz on the ceiling while on the phone with Aro, Rosalie was looking at herself in the mirror singing 'I LOVE ME I LOVE MYSELF I AM SO BEAUTIFUL I HATE BELLA I WISH SHE DROWNED THAT DAY ." At the top of her lungs, Edward was screaming about Hell in his corner, Jasper was standing on the coffee table spewing Shakespeare because he is always so scholarly in these fics, Esme was shoving food down a bouncing Alice's throat and Jake was humping the wall, just to give him something to keep him busy.

With widened eyes Bella turned to Carlisle, "What's wrong with them?"

"This Bella is what happens when horrible fan fiction authors get free reign", Carlisle responded.

"Ohhh", she said nodding and completely understanding.

AN 2: If people like I'll do another with the lunch room crowd (Mike, Jess, ect.)


	2. AN

Hi!

I would just like to let you guys know that I will finally be writing the lunch room crowd parody tonight and will post it tomorrow! So sorry for the major delay, I've just been severely lacking motivation and inspiration. Thank you for the amazing reviews and encouragement! :)

~iMbEtTiNgOnAlIcE357


	3. Chapter 2

AN: Finally, here is the lunchroom crowd! So many fanfic authors depict Bella's innocent human friends as completely brainless, evil or horny and it has disastrous results!

Disclaimer: I own nothing of literary merit!

Today was a rare sunny day in Forks so, much to her dismay, Bella went to school with only her human friends for company, given her boyfriend and his family's annoying tendency to sparkle quite obviously in the sun. However, Bella wasn't expecting the day to be too miserable, she did have human friends with whom she was quite close. Her expectations for a normal day were completely abandoned when she arrived at her lunch table.

When Bella arrived at lunch she immediately noticed that something was strange. Instead of innocent admiration, Mike was intensely staring at her with lust filled eyes. Blushing she took her seat and became increasingly unnerved when Mike reached under the table and stroked her leg.

"Uh- Mike! What exactly are you doing?" she asked, while pulling her leg a safe distance from his fingers.

"Don't you know Bella? I love you, we belong together and I WILL have you!" He replied intensely.

"Wha- Mike? Are you feeling alright?" Bella questioned thoroughly confused.

"I'm feeling wonderful sitting here in your glorious presence." He answered.

"Mike where is this all coming from? You've seemed to accept our friendship for a while now. I'm in a relationship with Edward. Do you need to see the nurse?" Bella asked now becoming very concerned for her friend. She then turned her attention to Jessica to ask her if she knew what was going on but the words caught in her throat and her jaw fell slack.

"J-Jessica, you look nice today?" Bella said weakly as she looked over Jessica's overly made up face and skimpily dressed body. She was so distracted with Mike's strangely renewed and intensified persistence to pursue her that she didn't even notice Jessica, or anyone else at the table for that matter.

"Like, thanks Bella! I like bought new clothes like when I went to like Port Angeles yesterday! Don't I look totally hot? I'm like such a whore!" Jess said giggling.

"Oh my god, what is going on with you guys today? Jessica you're smarter than I am, but for some reason you seem to have gotten substantially less intelligent over night!" Bella said. As a last resort she turned to Lauren, as Angela had not yet arrived.

"Lauren do you know what's going on?"

"Uh yeah, what's going on is that you are a stupid ugly bitch that should go jump off a cliff. Now stop talking to me before I vomit", Lauren said harshly. Bella flinched at the harsh insults but her confusion overpowered her. Lauren had never liked her and sure, she talked behind her back but she never was out right malicious to her face and in front of people like that.

Thankfully, Angela arrived to see Mike fervently writing a love note to Bella, Jessica making out with some random freshmen and Lauren glaring at Bella while flicking peas at her. She gave a shocked Bella an understanding smile and sat down next to her.

"More fan fiction clichés", Angela whispered.

"Ugh, not again"


End file.
